The world that I grew up in has drastically changed. The availability of information, the access we have to everyone around the world, the speed at which the world is moving all have increased the pressure and anxiety in kids. Reading headlines that kids will have 10 – 14 jobs in their lifetime, and that many of these jobs do not exist today would cause stress in my life, let alone a teen that keeps being asked “What do you want to do when you grow up?” We just told them they can’t know, and then we ask them the same question. Divorce rates are climbing, as are the numbers of students coming from one parent, foster homes, or mixed families. As adults, we communicate relatively well with each other, but forget at times that children are often left out of those conversations and need to develop their communication skills. When adults get frustrated with the lack of communication with children they react impulsively rather than responding deliberately to the needs of the young person.
Adults also need to be empathetic to the younger generation. We often forget what it was like and as previously stated we grew up in a totally different world. We often drag our own baggage around with us, not fully resolving our own issues before we start in on solving our children’s issues. Until we have come to some peace and resolution with our own pain, we can not (or at least should not) attempt to heal anyone else. If we are still a wounded healer we will often punish bad choices rather than giving students the ability, time and power to make positive choices and solve their own problems. Archbishop Desmond Tutu echoed:
“We must look on children in need not as problems but as individuals with potential to share if they are given the opportunity. Even when they are really troublesome, there is some good in them, for; after all, they were created by God. I would hope we could find ways to draw out of our children the good that is in each of them.”

Building Resiliency - an introduction ...

Resiliency is defined as the ability to bounce back from injury, failure, or misfortune. Much of the research in this area states that the traits that are necessary to be resilient are learned from experiences and can be taught through conversations and reflections. In the book “The Resilience Revolution (Brendtro and Larson, 2006) the authors state that in order to be resilient we need to build trust, find the unique talents and abilities of each individual, empower individuals to take responsibility for their actions and decisions, and assist each person to find their sense of purpose in the world.
The basis of all our learning comes from failure and pain. The greater the pain (without killing us) will cause the greatest initiative for learning and growth. Pain is a powerful motivator that drives all our emotions, thoughts and behaviors. But when kids or adults are in pain, how we deal with them and the steps we take to assist them in overcoming their obstacles are different than those that are successful and thriving. Most times when dealing with people that are hurting we act on our own anger, fear, or frustrations rather than being empathetic and really trying to understand the other person. Threats cause conflict and withdrawal. Blame and criticism obscure strengths and exaggerate flaws, and sarcasm and accusations make the hurt even deeper and destroys trust. We need to look beneath the problems in search of the cause and for possible solutions. We need to fill the deficits in their lives with trust, talents, power and purpose.Over the next 5 days I will explore the areas of trust, talents, power and purpose and how they can be effectively used to enhance everyone’s sense of resilience and success.

The past year

The past 6 months have been a great growth experience for myself, both personally and professionally. It all started late last spring (2007) when I found myself pondering life and the direction my life was heading. I had really no idea what was wrong or why I was feeling the way I was feeling. I had (still have) a great job, a wonderful family and a great social network of friends and colleagues. But there was this lack of something - call it a mid-life crisis (wasn't really that serious) or some other name my life was missing something. So I started looking ....I began looking at all different aspects of my life and reading a bit from the library. Here I stumbled across Jack Canfield's book The Success Principles. This book is a great read (not one I would buy, but have borrowed it a couple times since from the library) but it was the one chapter about goals that made all the sense in the world to me.I realized what was missing very quickly and it was simply a goal. I had set goals many years before but through reading this one chapter I realized that I had not set any new goals for many years, and those that I had set - I had finally accomplished. I was lacking direction, a dream, and definitely lacking presence in my current job. I quickly took a look at my long-term dreams and hopes and set some new goals - and one of the most important goals that I have now set it to routinely reassess and readdress my current goals so I don't find myself in the same situation again. I also took a professional speaking course and will be a CAPS member by the summer; I have completed my first paid public speaking event, and have started reading and writing more (including this blog) on a daily basis. While I still do not have a clear picture of the next 20 - 40 years, I feel like I have direction, purpose and my life is going forward rather than standing still.

What is really bugging you?

I had a conversation with a staff member the other day, and it has been quite obvious over the past several months that she is not really happy with her present situation. She is often short with other people and just avoids the rest of the staff. When taking a break she often retreats to her car to be alone, or heads to a nearby friends house to spend her time. She is very seldom in the staff room and will often check out of meetings early to avoid any small talk that might occur afterwards. After a number of conversations about what might be bugging her I am still not able to determine to root of the problem, and am mystified as how to make her more comfortable and excited about her current position.


Why are people so protective about what's bugging them? Do they fear the repercussions of the "boss"? Are they afraid of sharing their feelings? Or have they been so miserable for so long that they don't really know what is bugging them?


I think the best way to solve a problem is the speak your mind openly and honestly and tell the other person exactly what is bugging you. First it takes a bit of time to understand what the issue is. This is usually best done with some reflection on the incident or action of the other person and make sure you own your portion of the problem and accept your ownership BEFORE addressing the issue with the other person.


Next - make sure you are not blaming anyone for the situation you are in. When you do your reflecting, listen to the small voice inside you and what it is saying. Are you looking for someone ro something to blame for your current situation? If you are, you need to take a step back and ask yourself what you did to cause this to occur? What part of this situation do you own? You will always own some of it, and after reflection sometimes more of it than you originally thought.


Lastly, when coming to the person that asked you the initial question, come ready to solve the problem. Don't drag in the past, or episodes that have no relevance to this issue. Deal with the issue, don't make it bigger than it really is and remain focused on solutions. This will ensure that positive outcomes are sought after and problems can become growth opportunities.


So next time some one asks you "What's bugging you?" take a few minutes, reflect on what is truly bugging you, and then - tell 'em.

The Lost Art of "Going for Coffee"

When I was younger my brother and I were drug around the country side with mom and dad for coffee. We went "for coffee" to the neighbours around the community. Many of the neighbours had kids that were older, their houses void of toys or games and we were asked to sit politely at the table and listen to the adults talk for, what seemed like hours, about nothing.
Now that I am older, I look back at those times I wonder how our world would be different if we still went for coffee. I wish we had the ability to overcome our fears to head over to our neighbours for coffee. Most of us do not know our neighbours well enough to "pop in" for a cup of coffee, and if we do know our neighbours, the time we put aside for visiting and talking is limited to a couple (if that) close friends. We often don't socialize with the person (or people) that are closest to us geographically.
Today if we go for coffee, we are likely to head to Tim Hortons or Starbucks and sit by ourselves. We don't allow people into our house because we are told to fear strangers. We teach our kids not to trust anyone and definitely not to talk to anyone. So if we avoid everyone, close the garage door as soon as we drive in, maybe they will all leave us alone. If we want to get together we need an excuse, a business meeting, a cook club, a community membership meeting where rules exist to keep the peace, and as soon as our meeting is over we retreat back to our small forts and close the blinds.
So how do we build trust and gain respect of others if we don't talk to them? And how do we learn without dialogue and conversation? And how do we overcome our fears if we are locked in our small forts throwing glances and the neighbours on the other side of the fence? You can't - you need to get out from behind your walls and communicate with others.
Next time you grab your coffee mug, take a look outside and see if the neighbour is out there shoveling the snow off their walkway (yes I live in Calgary and it is snowing on April 21st). If they are shoveling, first go help them shovel, and then invite them in for a cup of coffee. I think you will learn a great deal about them, start building the trust and respect for others, and start building a stronger sense of community at least on your block.

Being the change

I have been reading about personal and organizational change, the ability to change and what is actually required to make significant changes in our lives. This weekend, I took the weekend off from reading and personal learning and, for the most part, did actually very little. In one way it was refreshing, but in another I feel guilty that I played over 5 hours of video games, watched a couple movies that I wanted to see (both are over a year old), and basically "wasted" time all weekend. I did make the bed, wash some clothes and create supper for my boy, but the rest of the time - well was ... wasted.
When it comes to significant change, the patterns that we get ourselves into are important. I feel that taking some time off every once and a while from the daily demands in important - to rejuvenate, reflect, and relax. Spending time doing things for yourself and resetting your internal compass through reflection is also vital to success. So the question remains - "why do I feel so guilty this morning?"
I think it is because of other peoples perceptions of how we should be spending our time. If my dad knew I spent 5 hours playing video games and watching movies he would be upset and address my priorities (even though I am 41 with children of my own). If my wife knew (she is away this weekend) she would be asking about all the little chores that I should have completed or that are still undone. While the perceptions of others is important to notice, we still need to do what we feel is right and what we feel is important. I am sure someone would say I have not been a great role model to my son for the past two days, but I hope the other 353 days of the year when I am working hard to support others will demonstrate to him (and his sister who is with mom) that you can't sit around an hope things happen - you need to shut the video game off, miss a few movies and work hard to get what you want. But I also believe that every once and a while it is ok to "waste" a day on yourself. Now where is that remote?